Spiderman Succeeds

Today I saw a little kid in a park wearing a Spiderman costume. He was trying to climb onto a massive log but he couldn’t even do it! His feet just kept slipping off! Ha! Nice climbing powers, stupid!

But anyway, he kept trying and in the end he got on top of the log and looked like he enjoyed it up there. I think he was actually pretty cool because he didn’t give up, even though for a while he looked like a stupid, stupid idiot.

~

Toilet Saviour

Ok, here’s a real guy I met recently who was pretty cool. I had just finished a long train journey to visit a friend, and was busting for a wee. When I got off the train I raced to the toilets in the station, but to my dismay there were pay-per-piss turnstiles! I didn’t have any 20p pieces to put in the machine, so I raced to the shop in the station to get one. In my pocket was a single 50p piece, so I asked the guy behind the counter what the cheapest thing was I could get change from. He said “Sorry mate, the cheapest thing in here is about 60p.”

Dismayed and desperate I said “Aw man! I need some change for the toilets! I don’t want to wet myself!”

He said “Yeah sorry mate, can’t help you,” and started talking with his co-worker. I skulked off, defeated, but just before I got to the door he shouted to me:

“Oi mate! You know there are two turnstiles, and one of them’s broken with ‘do not use’ tape all over it?”

I said “Yes?”

“Well they’re actually both broken – you can just walk straight through the turnstile without putting any money in! That’s what I do, anyway.”

“Whoa, thanks!”

Incredibly grateful, I rushed off to the toilet, and approached the turnstiles. I waited until the cleaners couldn’t see me, then walked right through the turnstile. It worked! I turned back to the people behind me with a huge grin on my face, but they hadn’t noticed. So I went and had a nice long wee.

 

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Golden Foot

The other day I was walking through the cobbled streets of London whistling a merry tune – a spring in my step and a fat, foil-wrapped sandwich in my pocket. So as not to trip my eyes were fixed on the ground, wary of any jutting slab or stealthy curb, when I happened upon this surprise:

‘What a massive, golden foot!’ I thought. ‘What creature could possess such a colossal paw?’

My gaze scanned upwards, met by these fearsome chops:

I’d never met a lion face to face before, so I wasn’t entirely sure what to do. In an excited panic I fumbled in my pocket for my sandwich, which I presented to the lion with shaking hands.

‘I can’t eat tin foil,‘ said the lion.

‘Oh right! Sorry!’ I stammered, and scrappily tore off the wrapper, jolting the sandwich from my hands and onto the floor. I quickly knelt down to pick it up but the lion growled.

‘Just leave it there.’

I stood up and took a few steps back. The lion slunk forward, gave the sandwich a sniff and then scoffed it. Immediately he turned his back on the few crumbs that remained and said:

‘Follow me.’

I did, because he sounded like he meant it. We walked through an alleyway, the lion’s golden paws thudding and scuffing on the concrete and grit. His tail swung fluidly, rear haunches figure of eighting side to side in front of me. Neither of us said anything.

In about five minutes we arrived at an underground car park, empty and echoey. The lion stopped and turned to face me.

‘So, what was that?‘

‘Uh. What was what?’ I frowned.

‘What was that in the sandwich?‘

‘Oh! Hummus, and roast vegetables. And some lettuce and a couple of sliced gherkins.’

‘Do you think lions like hummus?‘

I shrugged, worriedly. ’I don’t know. I’ve never fed a lion before. Did you like it?’

‘Lions eat meat. You must know that.‘

I turned my hands palm up in front of me. ‘Well yeah, but I didn’t have any meat on me!’

The lion swooped slowly in towards my face, until his nose was rested on the tip of mine.

‘You’re full of meat.’

I held my breath, his was rotten.

‘So are you going to eat me?’

‘Yes.‘

I sighed and slouched my shoulders. ’I thought you’d be a lot cooler for a lion made out of gold. More like Aslan, really.’

‘I’m made out of bronze, it’s different.‘

‘Oh. I see.’

‘Bye then.‘

‘Right.’

 

~

Things I’ve seen recently

It’s been a while since I posted, here’s a rundown of cool things I’ve seen or that have happened to me recently:

• I saw an Indian lady hike up her sari and take a wee on a tree in a park at lunchtime, like it wasn’t a thing to be concerned about.
• I saw a dance group with physical disabilities lead able bodied members of the public in a version of the twist.
• I dropped a ten pence piece down the side of a cash register desk when I was paying for something and the guy spent ages trying to get it for me – despite me saying not to worry about it. In the end he went and got a pole and fished it out, and I didn’t feel like I deserved it after all that hoo-ha. I wanted to let him keep it, but it would have been an insulting tip, so I put it in the charity box. Maybe that was a weird move seeing as he spent so long trying to get my ten pence back to me, but you know. His diligent attitude probably ended up buying a child a pencil, and that’s job satisfaction if ever I heard it.

A thing that happened that was not very cool was this:

I was walking home from seeing some friends and I saw these two drunk guys shouting and pulling leaves off trees ahead of me. I crossed the road so I didn’t catch their attention but it didn’t work. One of them crossed the road and started walking directly behind me saying menacingly:

“I’m right behind you… I’m right behind you… You’d better turn around and say you’re sorry!”

I didn’t say anything, because I wasn’t sorry, and I kept walking ahead. At this point he grabbed hold of my arm and span me around. He said:

“Are you gonna say you’re sorry? Or are you going to run away?”

His eyes were bloodshot, and barely focussing, but he was very stocky and I felt like he could quite easily punch me without a good reason. I weighed up my options.

1. Try and trick his mind with words into saying he was sorry. Then give him a life changing pep talk.
2. Battle him with precision and skill, so that he is incapacitated but unharmed. Then give him a life changing pep talk.
3. Run away because I don’t know how to do 1 or 2 and I can easily outrun him because he is short and wide and drunk.

In the end I went for option three. He chased me for a while, but he was too ploddy to catch me. Once I was out of sight I hid in a shop until I thought it was safe. My friend Tim came to meet me at the end of our road, and we went home, drank a beer and talked about how it was lucky I ran away because it would have been a shame for that guy to get a broken nose.

~

Publicans

So check this out:

Tonight I was in a pub in Cambridge, and I had a massive rucksack with me because I’m staying for a week for me ma’s birthday. I put the rucksack in a corner by a games machine, and thought nothing of it. My friends and I were chatting and all that, but at some point I began to get paranoid about my bag. I glanced over at it, and saw a couple standing near it. I thought nothing of it because they seemed fairly involved in each other, not my rucksack, and I went back to the conversation.

A couple of minutes later I checked again, and the couple were now leant against the wall. Over my rucksack. This bothered me a little bit, so I was shooting them sideways glances all the time until I noticed the lady’s arm.

It was bent, hidden by her torso, and going up and down.

The man’s face was totally blank, so I thought “Nah, they can’t be.” But she did not at any point stop this up and down motion in front of the man’s crotch. Except for the point when she kneeled down, maybe to pick something up? No. Actually to move the up and down motion to her head.

At this point I notified the friends I was with, and we spent some time giggling and trying to figure out if what we thought was going on was going on. She was back on her feet with fiddler’s elbow again.

At this point there was no doubt. She was giving the bored faced man a princely polish, right in the middle of a busy pub. Right over my rucksack.

“Well, this won’t do,” I thought, and started complaining about the situation. We decided I should probably say something, but, terrified of confrontation, and wary of catching a terrible glimpse, I went and spoke to the barman. He laughed heartily and told me to tell the doorman.

I told the doorman. Eventually he came in and told the couple to stop it. They guarded themselves as they tucked away, and the doorman leant down and grabbed my bag, beckoned to me to come over and take it, and said loudly “There you go mate!”

He ratted me out! I ratted them out, sure, and it’s not cool to rat, I know. But to rat out a rat is twice not as cool!

On English impulse, I said sorry to the couple. I suppose I felt bad for ruining their methodical, boring fun-time. But I didn’t want a rucksack covered in spaff. No way. Not many people would, probably.

So that was that. I retrieved my luggage and we left the pub. Awkwardly, my friend Ned and I had to follow the dour couple into a badly lit park to retrieve a bike, but we soon left them alone to finish off their magical evening.

At one point during the evening’s events I made eye contact with the man as he was receiving his reward. Only from tonight can I say that I’ve looked a man dead in the eyes while his salad gets tossed.

Still, at least my rucksack isn’t covered in spaff. It’s not every day you can feel relieved about that.

~

Sheeeeeeeeezzzzeeeee

Man, guys, I have to write this now, even though it’s hard, because I won’t do it tomorrow.

I had an incredible time tonight!

I went to two events. One was this:

1. Jackson’s Way

Jackson’s Way is a theatre / comedy show by Will Adamsdale, centered around a character called Chris John Jackson, who is a life coach / motivational speaker. I first saw a version of this show in Bath when I was working at Invention Studios, about 5 years ago. The crux of Jackson’s way is this: we mostly observe actions that have a point in this world, like stapling, or closing the fridge, but there is an almost infinite amount of actions that have no point whatsoever. It is the Jackson Way to focus efforts on these pointless actions, for no reason.

Pointless actions like: trying your very best to pick up a bottle of water 5 feet away from where the bottle of water actually is, or throwing a towel up in the air and trying to keep it up by shouting “SEBASTIAN ADAMS!” or picking up a discarded paper cup in one place, keeping hold of it, noticing another discarded paper cup in another place far away, leaving the original cup in the new cup’s place, and taking the new cup back to the place of the first cup and leaving it there. Actions without a point, understand?

It was great, and there’s no point in talking about the show because it’s hilarious and you need to see it in the flesh to get the full shazzzzoooowwww. I had the good fortune of meeting Will Adamsdale after the show and he was a thoroughly nice gentleman. He was also a bit ill, and very tired, but humoured me with conversation as we walked down the road together. It must have been hard work, and I appreciate that! Imagine your relief at finishing a show only to be stuck with some bellend who is going in the same direction with you for much longer than you could have dreaded.

1. Jackson’s Way (great!)
2. DORIAN CONCEPT (outstanding!)

I’VE JUST GOTTEN BACK FROM SEEING DORIAN CONCEPT PLAY AND MY MIND HAS CRUMBLED!!!

This guy is nuts. I’ve been a fan for a while, but had not seen him play live until tonight. It was incredible! His beats are like nothing else, his keyboard skills are off the chart, and his chords are phat and majestic like a phat old silver painted king. He just kept the tunes coming, I nearly exploded with piss because of the lack of any discernible toilet break!

There was a man who farted a few times in a bad, eggy way, but it was fun discussing who may have dealt it with some strangers. There was also a silly, silly MC there who kept trying to plug in, and kept gesturing to Monsieur Concept to turn him up, but NO WAY MAN! What do you think we paid for? To hear you talk endlessly about nothing and yourself? Of course not!

I think I was a bit of a prick to this MC because he was standing next to me and I was dancing all with my arm going onto the microphone, and bringing it away from his face to thwart his efforts. But it wasn’t even turned on! But he still kept trying! Like a silly man! Ha! What a silly, silly man!

Regarless, Dorian Concept was superb.

Check these out:

http://www.youtube.com/user/yorktownrecreation

YEAH! Imagine that stuff in a room full of moving, vigorous people, and a silly MC.

I told him what my problem was with him trying to MC, and he said “yeah, fair enough. You paid for that guy, yeah? Fine. But did I sound OK? Did you think I sounded OK?”

Funny question, considering the fact that I obviously thought not, but I said yes because he probably was an alright MC when the time called for one. But still! What a silly, silly man!

CLUE: DON’T BE SILLY, UNLESS TWO OR MORE PEOPLE THINK IT’S FUN.

p.s.  I had a great evening. I like this living in London lark. Last night I went to a club called Plastic People which is a small club with no lights on the dance floor, a big sound system, and a simple bar. It’s great because it’s just about mewwwsic. The night I went to was called CDR, and anyone was welcome to bring along a CDR of a track they’ve been working on. The DJ played a freestyle set of all the submissions, and put the name of each artist and track up on a projection as it played. Everyone listened, danced, and applauded after each track. It was lovely.

Sadly, Plastic People may be being shut down for no good reason, which is a bummer considering it stands for good things – like supporting and enjoying music for what it is, rather than just getting wasted.

p.p.s. I had a great evening seeing Jackson’s Way and Dorian Concept. Even the bus journey was nice, because I knew where I was going this time instead of last night when I walked the wrong way and it took me an hour and a half to get home. Step by step, eh?

p.p.p.s. I met Dorian Concept briefly too, he is a friendly and humble man. He plays music good, and all.

Good night. x

~

Chomps

Most people I think are cool are people I see on public transport. I make no apologies for that because, let’s face it, public transport is all that.

Yesterday on the train two guys got on and sat opposite me. After a short while one of them reached into a plastic bag and pulled out two carrots. They both sat there happily chomping carrots.

Listen: carrots are delicious, crunchy, and orange. They are great snacks. The men on the train have reminded me of these things:

1. Carrots.
2. I like carrots.

Take a look at these images:

You know what I’m talking about.

~

And You Don’t Stop

The coolest guy I saw today was on the bus listening to hip-hop in his headphones, and just rapping really loudly without a care. Everyone else was silent, so he stood out like a sore thumb, but didn’t mind in the slightest. The other passengers were sharing coy smiles with each other, especially when he didn’t say words and just went “Uuhhngg!”

~

Kinetica

Today I went to Kinetica Art Fair. There was a Peter Logan sculpture there, gently going about its business. I wanted to touch it, make it swing a bit more, but there was a “NO TOUCHING” sign. Get this though: as we were making to leave I walked past the sculpture, and a bit swung down and bopped me on the head!

I JUST THINK IT’S PRETTY RICH THAT I WAS NOT ALLOWED TO TOUCH THE SCULPTURE, BUT THE SCULPTURE COULD TOUCH ME AS IT PLEASED.

Smug bastard!

My favourite things at the fair were:

• A thing by Chris Levine that looked like a metal panel with a thin row of white LEDs down it, but when you moved your eyes to look either side of the line an after-image appeared in your vision that spelled the word “love”! It was pretty ethereal, and I’m not sure how it worked, but it was very exciting.
• One of these by Paul Friedlander
• Ocean of Light by Squidsoup
• Tease by Kathy Taylor (I love a good pun)
• Some other ones I can’t find online right now.

I enjoyed the playfulness of a lot of the installations. Many of them encouraged interaction or had to be set off by a human hand. Like how I will set off that naughty Logan sculpture next time I see it. Set it off real good.

~

Mattress Update

I slept very well in the end! The mattress smells nice, but a bit like a granny’s perfume – which is disturbing. It reinforces the death and wee hypothesis. Pretty soon it will take on my smell (fart), and then everything will be all right. Unless ghosts come.

:-0 !

~